top of page

Notes To My Loved Ones - No More Opinions, Judgement, Defenses, Explanations and Helpful Fixes

Writer's picture: WendyneWendyne

In order to be emotionally honest with you I must express my feelings… instead of my opinions, judgments, defenses, explanations, or helpful fixes and teachings.


Most people just want to be real and be VALIDATED for however they feel - without judgment, criticism, and opinions. We all need to be HEARD. Our feelings need to be acknowledged. When we are communicating in healthy ways, it is so good to be able to express a feeling and have our significant other JUST HEAR THE FEELING... and ACKNOWLEDGE the feeling - that is all.


Feelings are energy in motion, vibrational signatures of the moment – chemical reactions in our body. They are not right or wrong. Some feelings are painful and some are joyful.


When we hear our loved one’s problems or feelings of pain it is natural to want to fix, teach them something, share our experience, explain ourselves, give opinions, etc. and, this is not the first order of business in healthy loving communication.


The first step is just to validate and hear the feeling. When I am communicating with you, I am willing to hear your feelings. I am willing to hear your pain as well as your joy. And, I am willing to just hear you and say... “I hear you... I hear you are feeling ______.” You have the right to feel however you feel without me fixing you or telling you about me, or telling you not to feel a certain way or giving you my opinion of the situation. I ask that you will do the same for me, please.


If I have a reaction to another person’s expression of feelings, It is important for me next to express my own feeling instead of defending or explaining myself. When one immediately gets defensive, starts explaining everything (explanation-osis), criticizes or judges a person expressing something... OR, starts to teach them what to do or how to fix something - the original expression or feeling is not being heard or validated.


When you are expressing your pain, so often I automatically want to tell you what to do to stop your pain. Or if your pain is about me, I may not hear you and I will begin to explain myself, or defend my actions or judge your feeling as wrong. In this way I have not heard you, and I have taken your pain personally. In essence, your feeling is causing me fear of some kind.


Reactions are about our past, not our present. So when I am reacting to you in a painful or joyful way, it is really about me – even though it may appear that I am trying to help you.


I honor your feelings, give you the right to feel pain about me or anything else… and becoming aware of how I feel because of it. Then, it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to express how I feel, without defending.


Expressing feelings does not mean I am going to tell you what I THINK…. The basic feelings are mad, sad, happy, shame, guilt, fear, and love. Speak in this way: “I felt scared when you said you were mad. When you get mad it triggers my fear of anger. OR, I feel love when I see you crying and it makes me want to protect and fix you.”


It is healthy and intimate to express anger in relationship. Anger is natural, normal and necessary to express in ways that are honoring. Anger is a very human emotion, and when expressed as it occurs, enhances intimacy in relationship. When two people take the risk to express their inner feelings or Self, they are pulled toward each other – and this is real emotional intimacy.


When I am open and vulnerable and express my core feelings, I am taking responsibility for my own Self and this is heart-felt emotional intimacy with someone else. It is normal to feel angry with people we love. Anger held inside becomes old and turns into resentment and even rage. If normal anger is not expressed when people live or work together, it merges with other feelings and creates personal walls and energy blockages.


I desire to feel free to tell you when I am angry. I can do this in a healthy way that honors us both.  Maybe I need to ask you for some time to process and then tell you about my feelings, instead of yelling or screaming or crying at some other time when I am activated and triggered inside. Truthfully, I can do this with all my feelings, but this one is especially important because it is about you. I may be afraid of my own anger, or afraid of your anger, so this is not always easy.


I am willing to understand that your being angry with me does not mean that you do not love me. Quite the opposite – when you tell me your truth, or I tell you my truth, we are opening up to our authentic and real selves in the moment, and that always pulls us closer together. We may not always agree on things, and I hope we don’t because it would be boring to always think and believe and do the same thing. We can agree to be different and still love each other.


And so it is that I commit to validate and hear your feelings - no more opinions, judgement, defenses, explanations and helpful fixes.


Much love, ❤️






16 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


bottom of page