
As we continue on with this current series - Notes to My Loved Ones, let's talk about embracing feelings and perceptions instead of fearing them.
Previously, I talked about NOT giving opinions, judgement, criticism and helpful little teachings… so how and when do I give emotional love and support by helping? I would like to teach the people I love what I have learned, share my opinions and and even my ideas for helping fix a problem.
Begin to embrace the idea that sharing feelings creates an amazing deep emotional connection between two people. We have been programmed to not hurt someone’s feelings, or not make someone mad or not like us - and so we often fear another person’s reaction to our emotional truth, and may even freeze when it is time to speak our truth.
Persons with developmental and other trauma may not feel safe enough to share feelings. Perhaps parental role models did not know how to do this, or expressed anger, rage, depression or shame in unhealthy ways with the family - scaring children. One must learn from early childhood how to communicate pain, and for many, this did not happen...so pain was pushed away into the body, leaving the child, now an adult…terrified to feel such things, much less speak them aloud. Therefore, embracing feelings Vs. fearing our emotions may not come easily.
The good news is that with practice, our neuro-plastic brain can be retrained, building new neuropathways in the brain and body complete with a calmed nervous system. Once this happens, and one feels safe enough to be real and to fully feel - everything changes. Llife giving ways of being, thinking and feeling open one to true, deep communication of feelings without fear or taking responsibility for another person’s reactions.
Once again, here is the simple beginning:
Validate who you are talking to by sharing the exact words they said, without your interpretation. Do this by stating exactly the words you heard. Follow this by asking if you are correct. Is this what you said?
Validate the actual feelings expressed. Example: I hear you are sad when I walk away.
State your own feeling now, not your opinion, judgement, or what you think SHOULD happen. Example: I feel guilty when you say you are sad when I walk away.
This now opens the possibility that the person you are communicating with might want to hear your opinion. State this: would you like to hear my opinion? Or, I have an idea about what you could do, or I could do. Would you like to hear it? Or, would you like to hear my explanation about this? Remember at this point that you are asking, not defending. And, be willing to hear and accept that your person may not be ready to hear you.
Once you have really validated my feelings by telling me what you heard me saying, and then responding to me, expressing your real feelings and reaction – I am able to hear your opinion or some solution to my problem. I may even want to hear your explanation about something that happened. However, please ask me first… if I desire your input. I will honor you in this same way.
If you try to teach me right away, I may not hear you, and I may even be resentful of you as the authority, trying to parent me, especially if I do not believe in myself or have low self worth. When you try to teach me or give me your opinion too soon, you are taking away my power to think for myself or solve my own problems. When you feel responsible or obligated to fix me, that is really about your need, not me.
The time will come when I really do want your important information about a subject, or your ideas about what I could do. And notice, I say COULD Vs. SHOULD… because should is a judgment and could is an opportunity. I am committed to practicing this way of communication and I hope you will do the same for me. My feelings are MY truth. Your feelings are YOUR truth.
In the same way, our perceptions of everything come from our personal, unique conditioning and operating system. Every human being has their own distinctive and specific persona, identity and essential Self, conditioned by all of life’s experiences. Our developing psyche begins to feel the world in the womb and continues to sense the Universe through experience - joyful and painful. In every moment one is interpreting experiences with the current program that lives in the body/mind. Each one of us has our very own consciousness, realizations, awarenesses, perception of the world, qualities of discernment, knowledge, comprehension, images, sensations, beliefs and thoughts about our world.
Every person has a perception, be it through the eyes of fear or love, peace or chaos, positivity or negativity - and although one might wish to change a loved one’s perception of some thing, we must honor the present perception of each other in order to move through any difficulty and communicate in loving kindness and depth.
One person might perceive their partner yelling at them, when the other says, I was just raising my voice. The first person may have endured pain and fear with yelling parents, perhaps experiencing or witnessing physical violence and so does not know the difference between yelling and another raising their voice and being firm. The first person in this scenario becomes locked in fear and the survival brain clicks into action, blaming the other for yelling and aggression, leaving the situation, or becoming overwhelmed with panic - while the partner is feeling falsely blamed, thinking I wasn’t even yelling… asking the therapist - was I yelling?
Please honor my feelings and I will honor yours, even if I have a different opinion of what is happening or a different perception of what is happening. Surely all of our perceptions or the way we interpret something will not be the same because we grew up in different households. The way we filter and perceive the same event can really be different. We cannot tell people that they are right about a feeling or wrong about a feeling... feelings just happen, and they just are what they are.
I would like to ask you to honor my perception and really understand that I may have a different way of seeing things than you at times. I will do this for you as well. Perhaps if we are very loving and open, we could invite each other to HEAR our different perceptions about something, which may or may not change the way we see that thing. I am willing to change my perception if it makes sense to me, especially if I am actually re-acting in fear and anxiety and desire peace and calm.
Fear is the core feeling under many painful emotions or low vibrational feelings. Other fear based feelings include anger, hate, guilt, resentment, need for approval, overwhelmed burden, depression, revenge, blame, powerlessness and shame.
It is important to release the painful feelings inside, in order to practice communicating and embracing feelings for deep emotional intimacy, as well as being able to truly love without fear. It is important to clear out any of the negative and painful emotions that your body holds onto on a regular basis to be free.
If and when I am holding onto fear-based feelings about you, or myself I am not free. I commit to examining any fears I have that have been repressed, because they will affect all my thoughts, opinions, judgments and feelings about you and whatever you are doing or saying.
I do not want to project my fear, or anger, guilt or shame on you. And I do not want you to project on me either. I commit to staying clear and doing whatever it is I need to do, to release feelings of fear.
As I take the risk to move through old pain, I can let go and move into a higher and higher vibration, and walk into my power! As I take care of myself, heal and love myself, I can
love you more deeply because I will not be afraid.
And so it is, I face my fears of intimacy and embrace all my feelings, knowing that my feelings create my reality. Whatever I am feeling about our relationship, I am creating.
Much love,❤️

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