I WISH

September 29, 2019

 

IN HONOR OF MY DAUGHTER, VANESSA HOPE GARRETT (10/06/77 - 09/28/2017) I think I will write each year on this day.....

 

I'd like to call Vanessa today and talk to her about something. Or, I’d like to go pick up her prescriptions at Winn-Dixie or take her down to the Cleveland Clinic and laugh in the car. I wish I could’ve walked up those three flights of steps in The France that whole year before… to see her more often but my hip just wouldn’t let me. 

 

I wish we were flying on an airplane to National Institute of Health in Bethesda, Maryland - and her head was resting on my neck and my arm was around her while she was flirting with the guy sitting next to her. And I wish I was waiting outside of the doctor appointments with just a little bit of hope. Or, sitting with her at a gourmet restaurant having a glass of wine while she texted people ... ordering and trying to eat something delicious but not really being able to. 

 

I wish we could sit around the dining room table and eat that last meal again on Christmas; watching her lick her fingers from the bacon and biscuits that she probably threw up later.

 

I wish we could have talked more about the Afterlife of Billy Fingers or her fears of dying. I wish I had not worked so much and could have just sat with her more that year. Maybe I could have read to her.

 

I wish she was not gone and I wish she was healthy and happy here fulfilling her dreams. Yet, she never really talked about her dreams. That is odd. She was definitely more in the NOW. I wish I had noticed that. 

 

I am glad she was here in my home the last 8 months of her life and that I could see her sleeping in the next room, or sitting outside, vaping or whatever it was; or even smoking. I even wish she was out there smoking because SHE would be there regardless.

 

I wish she could give me the thumbs again, while I practiced walking around the dining room table with the walker, after my hip replacement… or hear her being an Aunt to Bella - teaching her about the world.

 

I would even put up with those damn loud and ridiculous Reality Shows she had on all the time, if I could just see her.

 

I wish I could hold her and kiss her right now. I wish I could hear her voice again. And I wish I knew exactly what she is doing. I know she is somewhere. And, I hope she has started something else extraordinary just like she was. Oh how I wish I could call her today and talk about something…. even one more time.

 

 

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